Last winter I was very much in love, very much ready to get an acceptance letter from college, anticipating numerous life changing occurrences. The winter was my waiting period, where I waited to hear where I would spend the next four years of my life and whether I would spend them with new people, or with some of the same. My winter was filled with love and warmth, with many nights spent just how everyone should have wanted to spend them. As winter ended, the letters came and I would soon discover that the vision I had was not going to happen. I was not going to spend four years in the fairy tale-esque fashion I had imagined. With that, I felt as if the rug had been pulled from beneath my feet, so to speak, and I was unable to stand straight, or clearly see anything as not a direct shot against me. I still felt myself growing, not that I'm not still growing now. I had made my final decision as to where I would be, but not how I would be. I finished the first chapter of my life - high school - and was preparing myself to begin the next chapter. Really, preparing myself for my entire life to be completely changed.
My summer was spent with beauty, love, and an underlying pain that sat with me in whatever I did. I spent it trying to finish a list of things I'd always wanted to do, but the list was not completed; I don't regret not finishing it, in fact I'm pleased I was able to accomplish more than half of it. My longing to go to school had faded slightly, but just enough to allow me thoughts of uncertainty and fear. My desire to leave my house had not diminished; I felt that I had made a poor choice. My love had not stopped and would not stop until the fall came and I had to force it out of me. I would feel that underlying pain up until October. Sometimes I still feel it. I still see my face when I left, and hear the awful sobs that I could not stop.
The fall brought me my new life. The new place where I sleep, shower, eat, meet people, walk, sneeze. Every single little aspect was different, down to the place I keep my q-tips. I tried so hard to separate myself from my old life and my new life. It took until at least November to manage that. I spent October and November trying to rid myself of anger and unfair frustration, to allow myself to be at peace, to move on essentially. Proudly, I can say I succeeded. I am at peace, I have moved on, and can say without fear that my love never died, it just changed. I can say that change was not negative, and that fear was simply my own foolish nature.
December brought me love and peace, even more than I expected. I was reminded of how strong love can never fade but can change, and should change. I was reassured that I was not alone in my suffering, which was bittersweet. I finished my first semester at NYU with outstanding grades and a new confidence I have never felt. I discovered a new passion for film and the arts that I had never felt before; the satisfaction from seeing a beautiful film and conveying its beauty to another has been unlike any other. Coming home to old friends was bittersweet; it was a harsh reality check in some instances but overwhelmingly incredible in others.
2007 was a great and important year in my life. I hope 2008 can be just as eventful and filled with just as much love and peace. I want to become more passionate, develop greater goals, gain greater confidence, see all the classic films I possibly can, read as much as humanly possible, try to do as much as I can for me. Perhaps I just need to have a good old-fashioned selfish year where I focus on myself and my personal development. Or not. Anything can be expected.
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