Mildly Entertaining.

The things I hear from guys when making out are sometimes too ridiculous to keep to myself.

"So this is what girls from Westchester are like."
"Wow, you are crazy."
"Hey, why'd you do that?"
"If you give me a wildly passionate kiss, I'll consider giving you your shirt back."
"I just want to dry hump."

I will never understand the urge to make comments about how girls from a specific location are. How silly.

i hate that you're living my dream.
or rather, that i can't afford to do so.

flashbacks.

Looking at Jesse reminds me of all the times at Oasis and my freshman/sophomore years in high school. He has changed so much, really just as a result of growing up. He isn't the scrawny soccer player anymore, now he's got these ridiculously solid arms. Surprises me every time. We go to Joelle's and I'm only planning to stay for a short period of time. I see her and immediately we start talking about the past, about Joel, Dan, Oasis as per usual, Bill, drinking, and basically gossiping about how everyone's lives had turned out. Being there 20 minutes, Dan calls. Then Joel calls.

When Joel shows up I find myself in a very unnerved state. The four of us have our history, and having just heard all the stories about Joel and Joelle's lives, I look at him and see sheer discomfort. What are you doing here, what are we doing here, and how is this okay? He wasn't ok. I knew she lied. Seeing him in that state, as drunk and frustrated, and completely uncomfortable being in that environment, brought back all the years of my being frustrated with whatever girlfriends he had, because they all made him this way. Insane women love him. I couldn't believe that these were people I spent a lot of time with.

I don't understand my relationship with guys like this. I hate their girlfriends for mistreating them, but I never would go as far as to say that it's because I want a relationship with them. It may just be the fact that I enjoy taking care of other people. Or maybe I'm just ridiculous.

livejournal.

I looked at our old livejournals today. It nearly broke my heart and I felt the most overwhelming nostalgia for my junior year. I don't miss high school, but I miss what it felt like.

My stepfather pointed out that it was my decision to take the next step and that sometimes the next step means realizing that you can never go back to what it was like before. I didn't want to admit he was right then. I think I have to now.

What's funny is the things that I miss and think about now, and when they come late at night when I'm disturbed from sleep and forced to wake up because of these dreams I keep having. For the most part, they're sillier events, and things that I would've normally not thought about, but other people bring up, most likely because of their silliness. Or, times where I wouldn't have felt any sort of jealousy. I remember certain choices I'd made, friends, moments, etc. I have changed so much since then. (and for the record, I think she was right.)

As cliché as it sounds, it hits hardest when I can't sleep.

home.

I have been home about a month now. It's a surreal feeling. I'm not aching to get back to New York, more so to leave my house, as I did at the end of winter break. I am enjoying the relaxation and time spent outside of the city, though I am there once a week.

I forget how truly wonderful and absolutely beautiful my friends are at home. Heather finally came home, and though our relationship has been rather erratic and relatively rocky for quite some time, I was overwhelmingly excited to see her. She has become the Heather I always thought she was, and having her home is comforting. I was shocked at just how much I was looking forward to her return. I was most excited for her out of anyone else, most likely because she was one of few who always made a really conscious effort to see me every break we had. Not that it's imperative that everyone do that; just that it was so incredibly sweet that she did.

Valerie made a comment about her relationships this summer, saying that she was too busy to start something new. I feel forced to agree with her. I feel a sense of comfort coming home and meeting new people who want to get to know me; it's flattering. I just don't have time for some of them, or just don't feel the need to make the time for them, especially not when I am still fascinated by older acquaintances. I shouldn't be as dismissive about it, or rather, so pretentious. I'm sure Alex could prove himself to be interesting if I made a point to go through with potential plans. Coming home to see what could happen with Vinny or Nick just made so much more sense; though I still have yet to see one of them. Seeing Vinny is always confusing because I never know what his situation is, and I never know at what point our relationship will change again. I'm not expecting anything, but I don't know if I should.

My face to face therapy sessions have really showed me just how inappropriate my relationship is with my therapist and how complicated the sessions are because of my diction. She thought I had been sleeping with people when I told her about "hook-ups" I had had, and I had to clarify to her that really, it was never sex. Mostly sleep or overwhelming making out, and for some reason, as always, my clothes just come off. I will never understand that; people just really enjoy taking clothes off when there's no real reason for it. Aside from that, she made a point of telling me that I should sleep around more than I do. I was completely and utterly shocked by this, because it seems like it would be much more destructive than anything else.

On another note: Lesportsac bags are not waterproof. If you get caught in Central Park in a thunderstorm, try to save your cell phone by wrapping it in something that may stay dry. And don't bring all your favorite electronics with you if there's a chance of showers.

À bientôt.

i worry that people don't respect me (or themselves) nearly as much as i would hope they did. it's baffling, to say the least. respect me and my home.

i also find that everything comes full circle and that being home means running into people or running from people, particularly those you thought would never find you. i thought you would never find me, that i hid so well, and yet, you managed to do it. now i can't figure out how to hide again and protect myself. i don't know how to respond to all these messages, a day after you manage to contact me. i fight with myself and think i should tell her, that i owe it to her after the past and the things that i did. i hope she finds this and puts two and two together. i can't speak to you.

the offer stood a few years ago. you can't expect to come back and become comfortable. it's not there.