French Toast.

Kyle likes to tell me I look domesticated. I am trying to learn to cook, clean, bake, etc. so that one day, I can be a trophy wife on the Upper East Side. I'm not kidding. I'll find my future husband one of these days while running in the financial district.

Mary Kate.

We have known each other for nearly 12 years, and sometimes I wonder just how much of our friendship is because we actually have things in common and how much of it is because of longevity.

I adore Mary Kate and love her with a very sisterly love. However, I still know the jealousies I've had of her my entire life and continue to have to this day. She is so much freer than I am, than I'll ever be for that matter, and I envy her for this. I envy her for her supportive parents and for all of the things she's been able to do in life because of financial privilege.

Recently her boyfriend of two/three years broke up with her. I can say honestly that one truly beautiful thing came out of my break up with Charlie: I am able to sympathize and offer really genuine support for Mary Kate in her given situation. I told her to get back to Mary Kate, to get back to who she is and remember that she is not Mary Kate plus one, but that she is independent, etc. Pretty much, all of those things you need to hear when you've been dumped but not everyone gets to hear. Sometimes I get jealous of all of my friends because I'm able to give them some sort of hope for their hard break ups, when in truth, no one could really give me anything last August. I'm glad I had to do it alone. Hearing how distraught she was over Alec reminded me of myself and proved to me just how different Mary Kate and I really are. She's a party girl, all about the "moment" and going with the flow. I don't know when or how it happened, but I am so conservative in my behavior that I find it slightly overwhelming and at times, nauseating.

I suppose I'm jealous of Mary Kate mainly because she has me. And I don't have too many friends that would be brave enough as I am to stick up to someone and tell them the truth. Too many people walk on eggshells around me. I don't understand it. She told me that for the past year or so, she's only had me and Alec, but I'm usually busy, etc. That was really painful to hear. I never just had Charlie or Mary Kate. I always had other options. Charlie was usually the option I chose, but I never forgot that I had others there. It breaks my heart to think that someone could ever just have two people. That's not the kind of life anyone should ever have to lead.

I think it's time I found someone and stopped playing therapist and giving others advice when I don't have my own life to live.

So Ashamed.

I really hope you didn't see what happened last night. But even if you did, you stayed with me. So I have to assume you didn't know anything was wrong.

I feel like a five year old.