4 months, 3 weeks, 2 days

I don't know what to make of this film, other than the obvious feeling of discomfort that I felt while watching it. On a holistic level, I felt it was very well made and the actors succeeded in their roles. On a deeper level, it had a political message that really hit home. 

The need to keep abortions legal is unquestionable, as seen from how frightening a make-shift abortion can be when done in a hotel room. Gabita, the girl having the abortion, was the quintessential girl who needed an abortion; she was a liar, a complete idiot, and extremely selfish. Her character personified the reasons as to why abortion needs to be legal. Interestingly enough, while watching the film, I felt no pity for her. I felt more pity for her roommate that was pulled into the situation by Gabita's foolishness and sheer immaturity. 

Oh the Romanian landscape...

new years resolutions.

My resolutions. Some clearly more important than others, but written mainly as they came to mind. Though I believe #10 is most important.

1. Take more pictures and document my life. I never take pictures. I have such a hard time with determining when, where, or with who. I have decided to become that person who takes pictures just "because." This means more photobooth albums and random city shots.
2. To visit more New York landmarks, including the Empire State Building, top of Rockefeller Center, see the Wall Street Bull, take the Staten Island ferry.
3. To see classic movies and try to catch up on classic books. 
4. To read more poetry and short stories, discovering new authors/movements.
5. To write more poetry and short stories.
6. To visit museums (at least once a month) when they have new exhibits, especially the Neue, Frick, Met, and the New Museum.
7. To improve my health and quit smoking for good. Which means no social smoking, no smoking at home, taking yoga 3+ times per week or going to the gym at least twice.
8. To learn to accept the things I cannot change.
9. To cherish the memories of my past as much as possible, while still realizing that they are in the past for a reason but that that does not take away from how special or unique they are, and keep said memories locked away until it's ok for them to surface. 
10. To accept the fact that love comes in many forms, and that it is okay if it is not the love you expected or desire, because whichever form it comes in, it still exists. True love never fades, it just alters its nature so that it can fit with your life. 

frost

as you left we cleared the frost from our cars just as we had so many times before. but you are not going to the places we used to go and that is how it will and should be, and i am not going to the places we used to go without you and you will leave and i will leave and our lives will resume but we will both leave with love in our eyes. 

how precious a thing can be when there is uncertainty behind its repetition. 

how precious a thing can be when nothing can take it away from you.

The New Year

The new year has finally arrived. I am prepared for all that it may bring me, but at the same time find myself nostalgic and reminiscing about various events of the past year that have impacted me, or that have proved themselves strong memories for one reason or another. A run down of the months would be unnecessary, seeing as I probably couldn't remember what happened when, just the general time frame. 

Last winter I was very much in love, very much ready to get an acceptance letter from college, anticipating numerous life changing occurrences. The winter was my waiting period, where I waited to hear where I would spend the next four years of my life and whether I would spend them with new people, or with some of the same. My winter was filled with love and warmth, with many nights spent just how everyone should have wanted to spend them. As winter ended, the letters came and I would soon discover that the vision I had was not going to happen. I was not going to spend four years in the fairy tale-esque fashion I had imagined. With that, I felt as if  the rug had been pulled from beneath my feet, so to speak, and I was unable to stand straight, or clearly see anything as not a direct shot against me. I still felt myself growing, not that I'm not still growing now. I had made my final decision as to where I would be, but not how I would be. I finished the first chapter of my life - high school - and was preparing myself to begin the next chapter. Really, preparing myself for my entire life to be completely changed. 

My summer was spent with beauty, love, and an underlying pain that sat with me in whatever I did. I spent it trying to finish a list of things I'd always wanted to do, but the list was not completed; I don't regret not finishing it, in fact I'm pleased I was able to accomplish more than half of it. My longing to go to school had faded slightly, but just enough to allow me thoughts of uncertainty and fear. My desire to leave my house had not diminished; I felt that I had made a poor choice. My love had not stopped and would not stop until the fall came and I had to force it out of me. I would feel that underlying pain up until October. Sometimes I still feel it. I still see my face when I left, and hear the awful sobs that I could not stop. 

The fall brought me my new life. The new place where I sleep, shower, eat, meet people, walk, sneeze. Every single little aspect was different, down to the place I keep my q-tips. I tried so hard to separate myself from my old life and my new life. It took until at least November to manage that. I spent October and November trying to rid myself of anger and unfair frustration, to allow myself to be at peace, to move on essentially. Proudly, I can say I succeeded. I am at peace, I have moved on, and can say without fear that my love never died, it just changed. I can say that change was not negative, and that fear was simply my own foolish nature. 

December brought me love and peace, even more than I expected. I was reminded of how strong love can never fade but can change, and should change. I was reassured that I was not alone in my suffering, which was bittersweet. I finished my first semester at NYU with outstanding grades and a new confidence I have never felt. I discovered a new passion for film and the arts that I had never felt before; the satisfaction from seeing a beautiful film and conveying its beauty to another has been unlike any other. Coming home to old friends was bittersweet; it was a harsh reality check in some instances but overwhelmingly incredible in others. 

2007 was a great and important year in my life. I hope 2008 can be just as eventful and filled with just as much love and peace. I want to become more passionate, develop greater goals, gain greater confidence, see all the classic films I possibly can, read as much as humanly possible, try to do as much as I can for me. Perhaps I just need to have a good old-fashioned selfish year where I focus on myself and my personal development. Or not. Anything can be expected.