My dreams are really out of control.

This is ridiculous. For months you haunted my dreams, and then it stopped for months, now it starts again, and now I'm dreaming about him and you and this is all too strange, too bizarre.

As Amanda put it: "You're dreaming about two things that comfort you, or one that comforted you in the past and now is being replaced by the other."

But, I really don't want to think about him like that. It's not fair. No more.

I've been feeling inspired lately. I think I might start carrying my notebook again and write. I still want to be the Poet Laureate.

Right.

Anorexia.

What gives? How do you fucking people do it?

French Toast.

Kyle likes to tell me I look domesticated. I am trying to learn to cook, clean, bake, etc. so that one day, I can be a trophy wife on the Upper East Side. I'm not kidding. I'll find my future husband one of these days while running in the financial district.

Mary Kate.

We have known each other for nearly 12 years, and sometimes I wonder just how much of our friendship is because we actually have things in common and how much of it is because of longevity.

I adore Mary Kate and love her with a very sisterly love. However, I still know the jealousies I've had of her my entire life and continue to have to this day. She is so much freer than I am, than I'll ever be for that matter, and I envy her for this. I envy her for her supportive parents and for all of the things she's been able to do in life because of financial privilege.

Recently her boyfriend of two/three years broke up with her. I can say honestly that one truly beautiful thing came out of my break up with Charlie: I am able to sympathize and offer really genuine support for Mary Kate in her given situation. I told her to get back to Mary Kate, to get back to who she is and remember that she is not Mary Kate plus one, but that she is independent, etc. Pretty much, all of those things you need to hear when you've been dumped but not everyone gets to hear. Sometimes I get jealous of all of my friends because I'm able to give them some sort of hope for their hard break ups, when in truth, no one could really give me anything last August. I'm glad I had to do it alone. Hearing how distraught she was over Alec reminded me of myself and proved to me just how different Mary Kate and I really are. She's a party girl, all about the "moment" and going with the flow. I don't know when or how it happened, but I am so conservative in my behavior that I find it slightly overwhelming and at times, nauseating.

I suppose I'm jealous of Mary Kate mainly because she has me. And I don't have too many friends that would be brave enough as I am to stick up to someone and tell them the truth. Too many people walk on eggshells around me. I don't understand it. She told me that for the past year or so, she's only had me and Alec, but I'm usually busy, etc. That was really painful to hear. I never just had Charlie or Mary Kate. I always had other options. Charlie was usually the option I chose, but I never forgot that I had others there. It breaks my heart to think that someone could ever just have two people. That's not the kind of life anyone should ever have to lead.

I think it's time I found someone and stopped playing therapist and giving others advice when I don't have my own life to live.

So Ashamed.

I really hope you didn't see what happened last night. But even if you did, you stayed with me. So I have to assume you didn't know anything was wrong.

I feel like a five year old.

Returning.

Coming back could have been a little bit more seamless, a little less stressful, and a little more exhilarating. My apartment is gorgeous. I am in love with it and am in love with the potential memories I can make here. I've been trying to teach myself how to cook. We'll see how well that goes. At least I can bake brownies. 

I find myself in an uncomfortable place with my group of friends. Some of them can be such children and behave just like jealous, catty siblings. I know that Kyle and I became closer last semester, though I wouldn't say we are closer than he is with anyone else, I know that I am closest with him out of all of my friends. Someone made a comment that suggested he and I would end up together by the end of the year. Naturally, I found it to be one of those immature comments that girls make because they find my relationships with men are never void of sexual tension. Regardless, this is the issue with the boy-girl best friend dynamic. Someone always falls in love. Someone always gets attached. So if it's not Kyle, maybe it will be me.

I'm feeling inspired. I think I'll start writing again. As Ava said it best, this is going to be my year. I don't know what she meant entirely, but I think things are going to come full circle. I just have to learn to stop reading into things. 

Alex accused me of being too "emotionally involved." I don't think guys understand that most women just want a clear end to things. As a result, I called him incessantly waiting for him to tell me it was over. He never said it. He just called me rude. I love stubborn men.

Growing Up.

Never in my life did I imagine that I would get along with my mother, let alone develop a stronger relationship with her. Life is funny like that. I realized that living away from my family gave me a greater understanding of them - meaning that I understand that some things will remain the same, not that I understand why things are that way. A year ago I was certain that my mother and I would be estranged one day, that I would send Christmas cards and Chanci gifts every year and stop speaking with her and her side of the family. This might be true about her family. I can't say it will be true for her.

I think this summer I've gained a fair amount of patience, not only with my family, but with most aspects of life. Working with TJ has been a truly wonderful experience. As cheesy as it sounds, he is such a special little boy, so bright and full of energy that he's almost been inspiring to me. When I told his mother when I was leaving , I felt my heart sink. He and I have such a strong connection that I can't imagine what it will be like saying goodbye. It's funny - every child reacts differently to my leaving. Isabella was excited to see me again, but she wasn't angry that I left her. Kenny and Vanessa asked me where I was going and why; Kenny still always wants me to stay. I hope that TJ handles it well, because I know I'll be hurt. I hated leaving Isabella, leaving TJ, who I spend so much one on one time with, is going to be so painful.

Everyone always calls me mom, or mama, or something. For a long time I thought I'd never want children. I thought having kids would mean ruining my life and that it would be so much easier to just let my sister have kids and I'd be the wonderful aunt who spoiled them. If I was given the option to drop out of college and start having children now, and especially if the offer was good enough, I don't know that I'd be able to refuse. I was tearing when I told my father that I didn't want to leave the kids; he started tearing because he could only tell me that one day I'd be a really great mom. I didn't think my dad would ever say something like that to me so early, but I suppose it was the reassurance I really needed; I needed to be reminded that I am separate from my parents and that their errors will only give me greater success.

I still struggle in making serious decisions, and am still uncertain of where I am supposed to be in my life. I was talking with my aunt and asked her whether there were any memories from my childhood that I should actually remember. Everything, and I mean everything, is so blurred that I can't help but feel like I blocked it from memory. She told me there are certain things she hopes I'll remember one day, because they have clearly impacted me so strongly, in terms of my judgement and overall character, but that there are others I can do without. Sometimes I question how many of these demons Brittany remembers and fights on a daily basis. The number must be higher than mine. She's a lot less stable than I am, regardless of what she says.

I think these past few months have solidified my relationship with Ava and Valerie. Their friendships are so incredibly special to me, and I've never felt this degree of closeness with either of them. It's so comforting to know that I can come home to them, and even miss them. When you leave, you learn quickly who your friends are.

I move back to New York in just over two weeks. I feel myself growing up and it scares the life out of me. I have a credit card. In my name. I don't get it. Where does the time go?