Photographs

It's still so wild to me that so much time has passed. I looked at some old photos from two summers ago and it's hard to believe that I am here, a sophomore in college, trying to figure out my major and what I am going to do with the rest of my life. That summer holds so many of my favorite memories. I look at old photos of me, Ava, and Valerie, and my heart just swells and it's such a beautiful emotion I can hardly describe it. My babies.

I can't believe it's almost Halloween. It was just September. I can't believe I voted. I can't believe that this time next year, if all goes as planned, I will be living in Europe. I don't know what will happen when I graduate and leave Alexis, Kyle, Chris, or Amanda. I don't even want to go home for Christmas.

Growing up is getting harder. Can't I go back to last year?

Drunk?

I always surprise myself when I'm drunk. This time was a real kicker. Walking towards the Bedford Ave station in Brooklyn, going to a party I had no business going to, going to an apartment I really didn't need to go to - except for the possibility of coke, which I didn't really want anyway - I make a phone call that I still can't determine to be wise or not. I am unsure of why I called Cory in my drunken stupor in the process of getting onto the subway. I invite him over.

"You're a coward and a fluzy. I wonder how straight your spine really is. Call me when you're ready to pull your shit together." He shows up, tells me I'm not date-able, but that my motivation and hard working skills are extremely sexy. Hi, I'm an extremely unmotivated, crazed out of my face, 22 year old still getting a B.A., and that means I'm interested in girls who work hard and are essentially the "antithesis" of myself. You have to be joking me.

Something about Cory always proves to be so overwhelmingly sincere that I can't help but open my door to him and let him lay next to me. After he calls me spineless a few more times and I tell him he's pathetic, he asks me the last time I got laid. I describe everything for him and he's in shock. In shock at how pathetic my sex life is and was and how pathetic I am for not allowing myself to have a sex life for fear that sex will never be enjoyable ever again. But I'm a respectable girl, which makes me more attractive, so he wouldn't pressure me. So I went to sleep.

We'll see if I get any more calls after that.

I'm jealous about Kyle's sexcapades. That's not a good sign.

My dreams are really out of control.

This is ridiculous. For months you haunted my dreams, and then it stopped for months, now it starts again, and now I'm dreaming about him and you and this is all too strange, too bizarre.

As Amanda put it: "You're dreaming about two things that comfort you, or one that comforted you in the past and now is being replaced by the other."

But, I really don't want to think about him like that. It's not fair. No more.

I've been feeling inspired lately. I think I might start carrying my notebook again and write. I still want to be the Poet Laureate.

Right.

Anorexia.

What gives? How do you fucking people do it?

French Toast.

Kyle likes to tell me I look domesticated. I am trying to learn to cook, clean, bake, etc. so that one day, I can be a trophy wife on the Upper East Side. I'm not kidding. I'll find my future husband one of these days while running in the financial district.

Mary Kate.

We have known each other for nearly 12 years, and sometimes I wonder just how much of our friendship is because we actually have things in common and how much of it is because of longevity.

I adore Mary Kate and love her with a very sisterly love. However, I still know the jealousies I've had of her my entire life and continue to have to this day. She is so much freer than I am, than I'll ever be for that matter, and I envy her for this. I envy her for her supportive parents and for all of the things she's been able to do in life because of financial privilege.

Recently her boyfriend of two/three years broke up with her. I can say honestly that one truly beautiful thing came out of my break up with Charlie: I am able to sympathize and offer really genuine support for Mary Kate in her given situation. I told her to get back to Mary Kate, to get back to who she is and remember that she is not Mary Kate plus one, but that she is independent, etc. Pretty much, all of those things you need to hear when you've been dumped but not everyone gets to hear. Sometimes I get jealous of all of my friends because I'm able to give them some sort of hope for their hard break ups, when in truth, no one could really give me anything last August. I'm glad I had to do it alone. Hearing how distraught she was over Alec reminded me of myself and proved to me just how different Mary Kate and I really are. She's a party girl, all about the "moment" and going with the flow. I don't know when or how it happened, but I am so conservative in my behavior that I find it slightly overwhelming and at times, nauseating.

I suppose I'm jealous of Mary Kate mainly because she has me. And I don't have too many friends that would be brave enough as I am to stick up to someone and tell them the truth. Too many people walk on eggshells around me. I don't understand it. She told me that for the past year or so, she's only had me and Alec, but I'm usually busy, etc. That was really painful to hear. I never just had Charlie or Mary Kate. I always had other options. Charlie was usually the option I chose, but I never forgot that I had others there. It breaks my heart to think that someone could ever just have two people. That's not the kind of life anyone should ever have to lead.

I think it's time I found someone and stopped playing therapist and giving others advice when I don't have my own life to live.

So Ashamed.

I really hope you didn't see what happened last night. But even if you did, you stayed with me. So I have to assume you didn't know anything was wrong.

I feel like a five year old.